We all know the story of The War Of The Worlds. In fact if you don’t, get out as you are no longer welcome reading this article. It was the radio show that frightened your grandparents, the film that enthralled your parents, the musical score that has engaged so many, and the American remake which has disappointed almost everyone who watched it. And it was whilst I was watching the American remake that my distracted mind stumbled on a question I had not asked myself before; if I was an invading alien, how would I go about taking over the planet? That is why today I am writing about Destroy All Humans, the greatest game you’ve never played.

Released in 2005 on PS2 and Xbox, Pandemic Games came up with a unique and original title that those who played it almost unanimously remember fondly. To summarise, the game is set in 1950’s America and you are the alien life form Cryptosporidium 137, sent to Earth with the aim of stealing our DNA for a cloning programme. Weaponry? You’re armed with a ray gun for shocking, telekinetic powers for lifting stuff into the air, and an anal probe for doing things which would normally require a specialist website and a credit card. As you might imagine, the site of a little green man running around is not something that people take lightly so you can either take the all probes blazing approach and leave a wave of electrocuted and violated civilians in your wake, or use your telekinetic powers to disguise yourself as a human, reading people’s minds to gain energy.

                The levels themselves generally take a consistent theme; sneak in to the level, steal/spy on/kill something, then get out again before the army or worse still, the Majestic (men in black with horrendous dialogue) turn up. Then they do, so it’s a case of getting back to your saucer and using the death ray to level the entire town before zipping on to the next level. Whilst this may sound repetitive, I can assure you that things only become repetitive when they stop being fun, and this game does not stop being fun. The action is kept fresh by hitting a variety of different locations; from the cryptically named Area 42 to Capitol City, the challenge of the environment is as varied as it is interesting.

Some of these levels are actually very memorable. One of my favourites involved sneaking in to a drive in movie theatre, which was the scene of one of the best shoot outs I can remember from the previous generation of consoles. By this point in the game I had levelled up the probe (that was my favourite weapon psychology fans) to the extent that you would shoot someone with it, and they would then run around clutching their backside until their brains exploded out of their head. Just so we’re clear, I have consulted the internet to be sure that this does in fact happen in the game and is not a product of my imagination, otherwise I would probably be having a very difficult conversation with my wife right about now.

There are lots more memorable moments like this. Another point I remember fondly is the ability to telekinetically lift people/cows/objects off the ground and throw them around. There is a very therapeutic quality to watching them flail about as you lift them up, and then fall limply to the ground. I sent hours doing that, particularly as at the time I worked in an office that required a lot of rage release at the end of a shift.

Is there a down side to this game? Well some found the dialogue interesting and amusing, whereas others (myself included) found it a bit tedious. To keep your telekinetic energy stocked up you had to read peoples minds, and they always thought the same thoughts. It got a bit boring after a while, and it was often a shock to hear a new persons thoughts. Also, in the latter stages of the game the army start using heat seeking missiles to try and shoot down your saucer, which you can dodge out the way of but its a real pain to do so. Especially when you’re trying to aim the death ray at the tank which is also shooting you.

                I have said before that there are a number of games that I would like to see an HD remake of. Destroy All Humans is not one of those games, as frankly it doesn’t need it. Whilst the graphics now look a bit tired, this is a classic example of a game where the graphics simply don’t matter in terms of gameplay. Even at the time, they gave a cartoony feel to the settings which didn’t distract you from the overall feel and playability factor of the game, and there’s no reason that would not be the case now. The real problem this game had was that, while the settings in the sequels changed to the sixties and then the seventies, the framework of each level didn’t. Whilst over one game (and perhaps the second) this was ok, eventually it did get a bit repetitive and the series kind of petered out. I would however argue vehemently that the original Destroy All Humans game belongs very high up on the list of truly great games of the PS2/Xbox era, and its real pity that more people didn’t get to play it.

Oh I almost forgot! So yeah if I was an invading alien, I would start out by heading to Boots and getting some cough medicine and some alcohol hand gel, thus solving the problem that did in for the aliens in War Of The Worlds. Then what I would do is send in the Silver Surfer who, with his maudlin outlook on life and cool surf board, would get the place ready for me to sneak in with the death ray whilst everyone was depressed. Like shooting miserable fish in a barrel, the human race would be reduced to a large pile of dust almost overnight, and I could use the planet (or Drewtopia as it would be called) as a holiday home from my home planet. Obviously I’d keep a barmaid alive to bring me drinks, and also I’d save a chip shop for sustenance. Probably a good thing I don’t have a ray gun.

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